I'm Not a Robot - I Just Look Like One
by robot-keayleuu
Summary: After adopting (synonym for kidnapping) nine year old Luke, Vader becomes the boy's tutor and attempts to teach him the ways of the dark side. Between caring for Luke and threatening to drop him in an orphanage, Vader learns that perhaps having a child isn't the best move for a Sith Lord-especially when said child is Luke.
1. Domo Arigato Mr Roboto

**keayleuu:** in which robot-keayleuu finally lives up to her name by publishing a FF with the word 'robot' in its title (she probably should set her life goals higher, but whatever)

* * *

A sun exploded in a distant system, causing hues of orange and scarlet to dissolve across the twinkling stretch of space. The rays seemed to reach into the corners of the galaxy itself… however, the interior of Darth Vader's TIE fighter was one of the few places that their lights would not brighten.

'I see you're awake,' Vader commented from the pilot's seat-glancing over at the child slumped in the chair beside his.

Luke Skywalker shifted underneath his seatbelt, eyelids fluttering as he blinked.

'Wh… where am I?' He managed. 'Wait… you're not my aunt or my uncle, and this isn't Tatooine. Who are you?'

'Don't your feelings give it away? You don't recognise me… my son?'

'Sun…' Luke blinked. 'Are we on a sun? It's a lot darker than I thought it would be.'

Vader smiled to himself. Such a pliant young boy: surely such a vacant mind would be easy to corrupt.

'I meant as in child—my name is Darth Vader, current overlord of the Sith, and the last remaining dark Jedi in the galaxy. As it happens, I'm also your Father.'

'Haven't heard of you,' Luke stretched. 'I thought you were a robot.'

'I'm not a robot- I just look like one.'

'That must be hard. Do you get kicked out of bars, and things?'

'This isn't a fitting line of topic-'

'I disagree-'

'Regardless,' Vader cleared his throat. 'I think you'll find your own situation more interesting. Currently we are in my TIE Fighter: after collecting you from the planet Tatooine, I plan to take you to my private battle ship-the Executor-where you will live with me and be trained as a Sith. Your journey to the dark side will be riddled with solitude, agony and everlasting sorrow—though you've no choice in the matter, so I'd advise your cooperation.'

'Okay,' Luke said happily, sinking back into the passenger seat; stars swirling behind the windows as he fiddled with his seatbelt.

_Well, that was surprisingly easy_, Vader thought to himself, taking a second glance at the child and wondering if he'd picked up the wrong boy. _No force persuasion necessary to influence his thoughts-_

'What's force persuasion?' Luke asked and Vader looked down at him, startled.

'Did you just read my mind?'

'You said it aloud, didn't you?' Luke scrunched up his nose. Vader had previously considered that the child may already be capable of using the Force, but reading minds was a great feat among the most skilled of Jedi. Had he said that aloud? He didn't think so, but-

'That isn't my only power-I have another power I use to influence people's thoughts. Watch this.'

Vader was about to reply when Luke reached a hand across the seat and ever-so-gently touched his Father's leg.

'Is that a flirt?' Vader asked, actually feeling a little ill.

'That depends.' Luke batted his eyelashes. 'Is it working?'

'No-it only works on potential lovers.'

'Oh.' Luke tossed his hair over his shoulders. 'Then it's not. Do you have any food?'

Vader didn't even want to know where his nine year old son had learned to flirt in order to get what he wanted. Perhaps he should have spoken with the boy's aunt before collecting him… on second thoughts, perhaps not: it was unlikely she would be as relaxed as her nephew about the whole 'kidnapping' thing.

'There will be refreshments when we reach the port.'

'What kind of refreshments?'

'Good ones.' The child was persistent-an admirable trait, but whilst Vader was trying to pilot a ship through an asteroid field, he didn't really appreciate it.

'How far away is the port?'

'Not far.'

'I don't know if I can endure that distance.'

'You will have to try.'

'What if we get attacked by smugglers? I have a dream like that, sometimes. I'm on a ship with a smuggler, a princess and a wookie: what if it's a calling? What if they come to kidnap me, and I end up travelling with them as outlaws?'

'The odds of that happening are a billion to one.' Vader didn't know what to make of an absurd statement like that. 'You're a very strange boy,' he told the child, looking down at him with concern. 'Nevertheless, that will change in due time. People will learn to fear you as they do me. Once we begin your training, you will become accustomed to the Dark Side-'

'Sounds boring.'

'I would advise you not to mock the foundation of my life's teachings.' Vader replied expressionlessly.

'I don't understand half of the words you just said,' Luke yawned. 'But whatever: I'm going back to sleep. Can you wake me up when we have some food?'

Watching the child curl up in the passenger seat, Vader felt a sudden weight on his mind.

Call it foreshadowing or just parental intuition, but something gave Vader the strong feeling that forcing Luke to the dark side wouldn't turn out to be the breeze it had first appeared... that and the fact Luke had just rested his head on the emergency handbrake, of course.

* * *

**Insight no one wanted #1: List of things that shouldn't be opened:**

Airlock of a spaceship

Month old carton of wampa milk

Closed wounds (physically and metaphorically, apparently)

Lid on a kindle

Pandoras box

keayleuu's writing in progress folder


	2. Vader's Moving Spaceship

**Talicor:** I always thought TIE fighters were like build-a-bears: obnoxious, threatening to look at and completely customisable. (keayleuu's TIE fighter would have a built in jacuzzi.)

This is my first K fiction that's not a recollection! (Hooray because lack of death is usually a bit better than lack of life. Wait... huh?)

**Darth Vadie:** Nine year old Luke _is_ adorable! I wanna give him a cug! (It's a cuddle and a hug) XoX

* * *

'Stop that.'

'Stop what?'

'Rocking on your chair: it's irritating.'

Night had fallen on the Executor and Vader had arrived back at the ship with Luke. With some difficulty, Vader had managed to drag Luke to the dining room and convinced him to sit in one of the chairs. Ever since he'd learned of his son's existence, Vader had been planning their first meal together, intending it to be a sacred occasion spent catching up on lost time. Luke, however…

'Just think: all these years I was afraid of being kidnapped by a serial killer, when the reality is it's awesome!'

'For the last time,' Vader sighed. 'I didn't kidnap you-the white ice cream van had nothing to do with me. In fact, I don't even know why it was parked beside my TIE Fighter when it had a whole desert of flat space to choose from. Anyway-the fact is I 'reclaimed' you-you were always my child. The Lars were the ones who did the kidnapping.'

'Whatever you want to call it, Father,' Luke gave Vader a wide smile. 'Is food done yet?' He banged his spoon against his cup to pass the time. Vader summoned the cup using the Force, and threw it into the nearest trash can with about twelve others. He then used the Force to steady Luke's chair-he'd started rocking on it, again.

'It's coming, though I don't see why you're so hungry. You screamed at me for two hours in the ship and when I finally brought you a Bantha burger at a junction, you refused to eat it.'

'I won't eat Banthas. It's my lifelong goal to earn them equal rights.'

'Since when?'

'Since my Dad walked out on me.'

Vader scowled at Luke for several long moments, unable to think of a response. 'I came back to get you,' he tried, eventually. 'Luke, whatever has happened in the past we need to put behind us. You must know that I lo-'

'Foods here!' Luke screamed as he spotted a protocol droid carrying a tray. Luke watched the droid eagerly until the food was placed before him and then begun to eat, enthusiastically.

'What were you going to say, Father?'

'Nothing,' Vader grumbled. 'Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't an attempt to connect with my long-lost son, or anything.'

'Your son?' Luke looked up at Vader. 'I'd like to meet this 'son' of yours.'

'That's you.'

'Oh yeah.'

Vader rested his head against the table- _my apprentice is an airhead,_ he thought to himself.

A few moments passed in silence and Vader straightened, watching his son as he ate.

'Does my aunt know I'm with you?' The boy asked, between mouthfuls of food.

'No; I took you in the night. My troopers stormed your house and brought you back to my ship.' Vader was able to overlook Luke's table manners for the sake of their first dinner, though under the table his fingers flexed.

'Huh-I don't remember any of that.'

Now that Vader thought of it, Luke had been easy to 'kidnap'—far too willing, for one thing. He hadn't struggled at all-the troopers had arrived and he'd just gotten up and… walked away-no qualms about leaving behind his family whatsoever. As the boy's Father, Vader couldn't help but feel more than a little distressed by that prospect.

'You should: my troopers informed me there was no need for sedatives. You appeared conscious-you even said some words, too.'

'I was probably sleepwalking.'

'Sleepwalking?' Under his mask, he raised an eyebrow.

'Yeah-it's been known to happen.'

'I see.' Vader frowned. 'And do you often walk away with strangers during these periods of sleepwalking?'

'You'd be surprised. Sometimes, I got in my uncle's ship and drove away. And I broke things, too—expensive things.'

Vader made a mental note to strap the boy into a straightjacket before bed.

'All the same, you don't seem very concerned about being stripped from your relatives. Doesn't it bother you in the least that it's highly likely you'll never see them again?'

Moments passed while Luke chewed his food, thoughtfully. 'Not… really, no. Should it?'

Again Vader frowned but was met by Luke's smile.

'Are you disappointed in me, Daddy?'

'Disappointed?' He had to think about that one. 'Mildly surprised would be more appropriate. You're very relaxed regarding your situation.'

'I see no reason to be scared. Will you kill me?'

'That depends on your usefulness. Will you be an obedient student?'

'That doesn't sound very exciting—'

'Your opinion is irrelevant.' Vader cut him off. 'I will be teaching you personally and expect your constant attention. Your stay with me will be the ultimate test of mental endurance-if you're to remain in my company you must learn about the Force. The first thing you should know is that the Force is with you all the time: it follows you like a cloak, shrouding you in darkness. It's power is unmatched and one of destruction and malice that you can manipulate through time, suffering and the bloodshed of the innocent-'

'Question!' Luke shouted and Vader sighed, losing heart.

'What is it you need to know?'

'If the Force is so powerful then why couldn't you use it to get me some food? You know, earlier in the ship? And I mean actual food, not that Bantha crap.'

'The force isn't a toy,' Vader replied, angrily. 'It's a way of life. It doesn't account for cheap tricks and nor unwilling fools. That is why I—'

Luke hiccuped and Vader turned to him, startled.

'Are you alright?'

'Yes…. I think I almost swallowed my fork. These things are difficult to eat with, huh?' Luke twirled the fork and held it in the air- for a moment, Vader thought he was going to start brushing his hair with it.

_This boy will be the death of me._

'Daddy? Daddy, what's wrong? Are you having dark thoughts again?'

_Oh, of course not, child… I'm just concerned that my future and the future of the galaxy depends on a boy who doesn't know how to use a fork. _

'It doesn't matter, son-just eat the rest of your food and don't ask questions.'

* * *

**Insight no one wanted #2:** **Of mermaids and forks:**

keayleuu doesn't like Disney films, which is sorta ironic since they were the ones who ended up buying out SW. Why does she mention this? You mean you didn't get the little mermaid reference?


	3. Paranoid Android

**Doctorwhodunit:** You're so nice and I don't deserve it, not at all, haha. X0 I thought people were going to say that I suck at these kind of stories, but I've actually been receiving metaphorical pats on the head instead of metaphorical punches in the face. (The positive reaction caught me off guard.) It REALLY means a lot for me to hear that!

**Talicor:** It is 90% banter the entire journey. The flip side is destiny! (Something tells me we have Clancy to blame.) ^^

**starwars1885, Nowa1:** Thank you very much! This chapter is kinda small. (I feel like I've betrayed your trust in me, ahaha)

* * *

Luke and Vader stood at the front of the Executor. Vader's job today was to provide surveillance over the men operating the ship and he'd brought Luke along hoping to teach the boy something about hierarchy and control… although now he deeply regretted that decision.

'-And did you also know,' Luke continued, 'that stars aren't small like they look? They're huge lumps of flaming rock… and some are even planet sized, too! Isn't that just crazy? I mean—they look so tiny but they're actually huge… isn't that just unbelievable?' Luke sighed.

'Fascinating,' Vader replied as Luke continued to marvel out of the viewport.

'Black spaceship, black wallpaper, black costume… wow! You really like the colour black, don't you?'

'No. What gave you that impression?'

'If you don't like black then you should paint your walls a different colour.' Luke told his Father, seriously. 'No wonder your employees are all so grumpy when they're living inside a black hole. I know this is the dark side, but not everything has to be black, you know. To be truthful, it's kind of depressing.'

'You don't say.'

'You should be arrested for forcing your employee's to work in the dark.'

'You should be arrested for not bowing at my feet when I enter the room.'

'I'd bow down if I could see you, but your costume blends into the walls.' Luke scowled at his Father. 'I didn't realise the dark side required funeral attire-it's like sitting in the space chameleon section of a zoo: everything is dark. Will my bedroom be black, too? Because I'm more into blues—'

'You will have what you're given,' Vader told him, tiredly. 'Think yourself fortunate you even have a bed to sleep in. If you'd rather have a cell—'

'Yes please.'

'Excuse me?'

'I'd like to have a cell—I want to play prisoners! Arrest me, Father!' Luke hung from Vader's arm.

'You're not having a cell,' Vader snapped and begun to walk away, shaking the child from his wrist like snowflakes. 'Cells are for prisoners only-I was merely making a comparison to the alternative. You'll sleep in the chamber beside mine where I can keep an eye on you.'

'So why did you offer if you didn't mean it?' Luke puffed out his cheeks. 'Make up your mi-'

'Enough! I will not tolerate any more of your foolish behaviour!' Vader stopped dead in the middle of the platform, pressed a finger to Luke's chest and bellowed down at the boy-it was time to teach the child just where he belonged. Several of the men at their workstations flinched, but under the Dark Lord's glare Luke's did not quiver.

'You know Father, every time you point a finger at me, you point three back at yourself,' Luke said coldly, taking Vader's hand in his own and pushing it back, a dark expression crossing his features.

Vader staggered and stumbled a few steps backward, shocked by the wave of dark energy Luke emitted; unable to respond to the cold flood of emotion. It stunned him for only a moment before the dark expression disappeared and Luke grinned, smiling up at his Father-

'Which reminds me, did you also know that people are made from carbon which is the same material as stars? The carbon becomes recycled, then it turns into energies—'

* * *

**Insight no one wanted #3: Space zoology:**

Space chameleons are a rare breed of chameleon that are capable of breathing in space. Scientists know little about these creatures, other than that they are definitely, absolutely 100% a real thing in the SW universe and that you probably shouldn't look into the matter.


	4. I Will Find You and I Will Annoy You

**Nowa1:** Regular chameleons are so bad at their job: people photograph them _all_ the time. Space chameleons are not only suitable for any environment, but they're also MUCH cuter! Not that you can tell, aha. (They're REALLY good at blending in.)

Oh my gosh-we've figured it out! The stormtroopers clothes indicate their alliance. It's like they're rebelling against darkness-fashionably!

**Talicor:** haha. Clancy is too busy breaking into orphanages with blunt axes to interferer with this fiction. :D

Wherein Vader gets some TLC: Trouble with Luke in his Chamber (It sounds better in context, I promise.)

* * *

Silence at last. Vader had watched Luke relentlessly all day until the boy had decided to prepare a bath. Telling Luke sweetly to have fun then ordering a droid to bolt the bathroom door behind him, Vader had slipped away to have some private time in his stasis chamber.

Luke couldn't get in here—unless his Force abilities had grown considerably enough to blast through solid steel then Vader was in for a peaceful fifteen minutes. Was it likely the boy would allow him even that?

'He's probably jammed the door with a squeaky teddy, or something,' Vader thought to himself. When the doors closed without difficulty the Dark Lord smiled in satisfaction, stretching his arms behind his head-relieved at the solitude. He'd barley been in there a minute when something begun to shift under his chair—Vader didn't need three guesses to figure out what it was.

'Luke! How did you get in here?' He wasn't sure if the hand he pressed to his face served to hide his features, or as a gesture of shock.

'I-I got lost...' Luke fumbled, sliding out from underneath the chair. 'Please don't be mad! The bathroom was out of soap so I went to find some more-I swear I didn't mean to come into your personal study-and then I… then I… then I….' his voice faded away as he met his Father's face.

'I'm not mad at you, Luke.' Vader sighed and let his hands fall from his face, feeling-in all sense of the word-unmasked.

'I suppose this is for the best. You had to see me like this someday—you had to know what I am. It was only a matter of time.'

Luke did not respond.

'I didn't want it to be this soon, but I can't blame you for being curious. In a way I suppose you have a right to know—it's your heritage. And despite what you may think Luke, I wouldn't deny you the truth. You understand the trust I'm putting into you by showing you this, don't you?'

Luke continued to stare, open mouthed.

'Luke, say something,' Vader snapped at the boy. 'Are you paralysed in fear or did the bath salts do something to your head?'

'Your face… '

'Yes?' Vader could almost hear his heart as it sunk into the depths of his chest.

'You... You look so familiar! You really are my Daddy!' Luke laughed, delighted. For a moment Vader tensed as he wondered if Luke was mocking him somehow, but then he saw sincerity in his son's face and took the boy's head in his hands.

'Yes—yes, of course. You're so much like me, Luke.' Vader sighed, gazing fondly at his child. 'I scold you for being curious, but that's truly one of your qualities. I don't mean it when I yell at you—you upset me and I admit I get angry, but the truth is you're irreplaceable, Luke.'

He brushed a strand of hair from the child's eyes, lazily.

'You're definitely my boy-we even look alike. You have my eyes.'

'Oh.' Luke brightened. 'Would you like them back?'

'I don't think you understand what I—'

'I do. I understand everything.' Luke climbed onto the chair and curled in his Father's lap. 'I love you, Daddy,' he purred, shutting his eyes and beginning to fall asleep against his Father's chest.

'That's nice. That's… very nice.' The two of them lay still for a moment then Vader begun to cough.

'Luke, I have to ask you to move… you're crushing my lungs…'

'Oh,' Luke patted his Father's chest. 'Sorry! But I don't understand—you clearly have a face. Why don't you take off your mask outside the chamber?'

_Was this boy for real!?_ 'It looks good with my costume.'

'What, you're incapable of changing your clothes?'

'Hmn. What, you're incapable of picking up on a sarcastic remark?'

For a moment Luke scrunched up his forehead, as though deep in concentration. Vader wondered if it was because he'd been bested or didn't know the definition of the word 'sarcastic.' He was about to order Luke to leave when a small, pale hand rose up and touched his shoulder.

'Father… thank you. For letting me see your face.'

This was oddly sincere-Vader had to wonder about the boy's ulterior motive. 'You're welcome?' _Not that I had a choice in the matter._ He shrugged the hand away, uncomfortably.

'Um… Father! I have a request!'

_There it was._ 'What is it?'

'Uh…' the boy fidgeted. 'Can I wear your mask?'

'No.'

'But I—'

'I won't argue with you, Luke,' Vader begun, exhausted. 'This is my private chamber where I come to relax—meaning you shouldn't be in here. How you even got here is beyond my understanding but if you leave me alone right now, then I promise to let your disobedience slide. Daddy is… very tired… and needs some time alone. Do you think you could do that for him? Please?'

Vader held his breath while Luke considered. The child's happiness seemed to combust in the air and when he spoke it was a single word in a quiet, chilling tone: 'Sure.'

Emotionlessly, Luke slid from his Father's lap; the coldness he emitted palpable. Vader spun the chair around to open the door so didn't see his son leave; he wouldn't have even been sure that the boy were gone if it weren't for the absolute quiet and stillness of the room. At Luke's absence, Vader immediately relaxed yet couldn't shake the faint feeling of guilt.

'No-I'm not the one to be chided. I need to be firmer with the boy.' Vader thought. 'I'm too soft with him and because of that, Luke walks over me like a skin rug. Although he is just a boy… all he wants to do is play. It's understandable that he wants to be with his Father after being left alone for all these years... Perhaps I am too cold toward him.'

Moments passed as Vader indulged in the silence, pushing Luke to the very back of his mind. When it was finally time to leave, he pressed the button and waited for his mask to come down on his head. It didn't. Sighing, Vader tapped his fingers impatiently against the arm of his chair, but still… no mask. Frowning, he reached over to the com.

'Stais chamber to maintance: are my machines broken?'

A droid picked up on the other line. 'Everything appears to be functional, Sir. Perhaps there's a glitch—what seems to be the problem?'

'My mask isn't coming down, I think there's something wrong with the arm…' it embarrassed Vader that his neck was so badly damaged that he couldn't lift his head to see the controls. Just then, his holopad begun to sound.

'Hold on,' he told the droid. 'I have a call coming through on the other line.''

A holographic image popped up on Vader's screen. On it, a male child was depicted wearing a black helmet that was way too heavy for its head. Although its face was hidden, Vader could sense it grin from underneath. The vein on Vader's forehead burned, his fingers tightening into fists on the arms of the chair as the child lifted up the helmet and smiled, that same, innocently torturing smile-

'Daddy—guess who I am!'

* * *

**Insight no one wanted #4: Ambiguous... huh?**

Who the hell tells their kid to 'have fun' in the bath? Did that part sound weird to anyone? ...whatever...


End file.
